Victorian Graffiti

During dinner on Saturday, we (two Michaels and one Ben and me) discussed the Lord of the Rings movies. My favourite is the second, the others seemed to prefer the first, and we all agreed that the third is good but, alas, predictable and disappointing in its final execution of the scenes in the shire. It's all just so thoughtlessly confirming of compulsory heterosexual matrimony as the only ending for the real hero -- and by the real hero, we mean Sam. Frodo is the main character, but he's not a real hero. He's odd, so it makes sense that Elijah Wood plays the part. Elijah Wood is creepy as fuck.

Visual evidence, exhibit A:

This is Wood playing Frodo. What the hell, man? Are you trying to steal my soul? And he's not even DOING anything creepy here -- he's just standing around!

Of course, eventually he does put the ring on, being the weirdo-outcast Frodo and all. Never mind all the warnings, Frodo -- Sam will save the day! Yeesh. And to top it off, he's practically suicidal -- he's only happy at the end when he's boarding a boat to....where again? Oh, right. CERTAIN DEATH.

But I can forgive one creepy hobbit role. After all, Frodo's character is complex, and the juxtaposition of the cute wee hobbit image and Wood's icy eyes and awkward, uncomfortable presence make the character interesting. But does he have to be creepy all the time, and does he have to do it so darn convincingly?

Visual evidence, exhibit B:

Sin City had a lot of evil characters, but Wood's dead, dead eyes and smug grin make Kevin the movie equivalent of the creepy dude who lives down the street with a collection of naked dolls and a freezer full of unidentified, slightly rotting ground meat of some kind. Oh, and he owns a wood chipper of some kind despite living on a gravel pit. Creepy as fuck. Gives me the shivers.

The worst of it? Elijah Wood the actor is actually creepier than the plastic action figure made of Kevin.

At least the doll looks a bit angry.

Can Elijah Wood play any role without looking creepy? A quick unscientific image search says no. And as a warning, don't do an image search for Elijah Wood when you're home alone at night. It's like going into the basement when you hear a noise at night -- just not a wise decision.