I just showed Matt the video for Jonny McGovern's Soccer Practice (which I saw for the first time courtesy of Lord Barry, in the back room of the bookstore we were working at, while we were supposed to be working) and he loved it, much to my delight. He wants to get a Gay Pimp t-shirt to wear at shows. I want one too.
I have an unexpected day off tomorrow! Because I will have to work an unexpected six-days-in-a-row after that. What will I do! Bearing in mind I have to be back at work at 5, for our regular Friday-after-work couple-of-drinks-fest. Hyphen! Hyphen hyphen! I should probably go on some long walks and write at coffeeshops. Or the Paul's Motor Inn Diner. Yes?
Some drug addicts called me 'babe' the other day. I've read (cringe) La Toya Jackson's autobiography. ANTM is over, and Jade lost, placing third. Is nothing in this whole fucking world fair? I may win the lottery tomorrow. I got a form letter from our MP, whom I voted for, and have signed up for her regular e-letter. I will also send her correspondence re: Canadian foreign policy and my idea about placing cigarette-warning-label-style pictures on cosmetics, along the lines of, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO A RABBIT'S EYES WHEN IT HAS YOUR FUCKING MASCARA INJECTED INTO THEM SEVERAL TIMES A MINUTE. Also I may do laundry.
I didn't think movies could possibly plummet to depths deeper than the appalling Anniversary Party; witness (or rather don't) God, Sex, and Apple Pie. Same plot, same tone, same grade-school writing and robotic acting, but much, much worse.
A couple, completely devoid of chemistry yet somehow having affectionate sex every five minutes, arrives at the good ol' cabin seconds before the rest of their Big Chill-style high school reunion gang. They fling off their clothes! They coyly swing their ass cracks at the camera! They fuck like animals -- affectionately -- on the homely old couch, never dreaming they might be caught by the rest of their Big Chill buddies! Uh oh! They do get caught! Embarassed introductions all around!
And then -- the insanely hot, insanely poorly dressed ("Oh my God! They're wearing plaid under plaid!" etc.) girlfriends/wives banish the boyfriends/husbands from the kitchen so they can wrangle up a dinner for the masses. Boyfriends/husbands actually throw a basketball around outside, saying things like, "Is she as hot as she looks? No really dude, is she?" Inside, the girlfriends/wives hunt gamely for spices in the unfamiliar kitchen and joke about how cooking for their boyfriends/husbands is nothing to be ashamed of and aren't we so fucking cute? look at us, here in this crazy kitchen cooking for our husbands/boyfriends!
And here I stopped watching, so this is really only a review of the first ten minutes.
At least Anniversary Party had Gwenyth Paltrow getting drunk and handing out tabs of e.
This makes me want to write The Magnificent Bastards more than ever.
Question: When you clean a duvet cover and then stuff the duvet back inside, is it necessary to throw your whole body into the cover and squirm about shouting "Grab the corners!" and "Now pull and lay flat! Pull and lay flat!"? Cuz we're having a bit of a crisis over here. Vodka-fueled.
Do you ever feel that your mind won't shut up when you're grocery shopping? That it's actually shouting things only you can hear? Specifically, commercials for the products you wander past? Things got ugly in the cleaning aisle, a thousand shouts of "JAAAAA-VEX! JAAAAAA-VEX!" pounding through my skull, and of course I start laughing like a madman because I have this image of all these -- pillows? -- at the Javex convention or whatever it was, screaming and waving towels in the air like a Far Side cartoon that went horribly wrong. Then, of course, the stares from the other customers .....
Bought bagels, salmon cream cheese, Fancy Feast tuna treat (for the Cat assholes), a tomato, laundry detergent, and cigarettes.
Going a bit stir crazy. Going a bit mad. Bellowing out Jay Dunphy songs in the kitchen. Fortunately I'm in one of my I-like-my-job phases but through it all Peggy Lee inquires -- softly, like a child who interrupts the plot of the movie a la The Big Lebowski to ask -- "Is that all there is to ...?" Am disgruntled with the Picasso biography I'm reading; it's dull; since when did I ever give a flying shit about Picasso, anyway? Why did I buy the fucking book? (Because I was seduced by the idea of Picasso as both Creator and Destroyer, and it has lots of pictures.) I called my mum on Mother's Day and left a message; left three messages since then and she has still not returned my call. It's annoying. What if I had something important to say? Of course, this is merely karma. I am notoriously bad at returning phone calls. It's all coming back to me now. No, I am not quoting Celine Dionne.
If I win the lottery on May 26, I am paying off the debts of myself, a few select friends, and my family; travelling Europe in a green convertible; living on Salt Spring Island for a month to work on entrance requirements for UBC graduate studies; having dental work done; finding a dog; spending at least a thousand dollars in a bookstore, and opening up a small press.
Last night I had some beers with some peeps and was briefly zooming through Cook St. Village in the back of a pick-up truck.
Tonight I'm making vegan shepherd's pie and an avacado salad with raspberry vinegarette dressing.
I want to walk the El Camino. Soon.
Do you know what is magic? Apple Cider Vinegar. I woke up with a sore throat that felt like cancer and after a tablespoon of the vile stuff it was all over.
I'm still dizzy though. Perhaps flu?
Also when I win the lottery I'm making sizable donations to the SPCA and setting up a creative writing scholarship to UVic -- like a huge one -- like 50 grand or whatever. Every year I was at UVic I got a creative writing scholarship, but they ranged from $100 to $1500. It was wonderful, of course -- a grand don't come for free, after all -- but what if 50 grand did?
Instructions:
1. Put numbers instead of x's [ 1, 2, 3, 4..]
2. Note any comments below using a * next to the number.
3. Cut with "I have lived through _____ of these 159 things"
[1] I have read a lot of books.
[] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[2] I have been to Canada.
[] I have been to Europe.
[3*] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[4] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[5*] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[6] I have been snowboarding/skiing.
[7] I have played ping pong.
[8] I swam in the ocean.
[] I have been on a whale watch.
[9] I have seen fireworks.
[10] I have seen a shooting star.
[11] I have seen a meteor shower.
[] I have almost drowned.
[13] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
[14*] I have listened to one CD over and over and over again.
[] I have had stitches.
[] I have had frostbite.
[] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
[15*] I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects.
[16] I currently have a job.
[17] I have been ice skating.
[18] I have been rollerblading.
[19] I have fallen flat on my face.
[20] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[21] I have been in a fist fight.
[] I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
[] I have watched the power rangers (you must experience it to effectively MOCK)
[] I attend Church regularly.
[22] I have played truth or dare.
[23] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[24] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[25] I've called someone stupid.
[26] I've been in a verbal argument.
[27] I've cried in school.
[] I've played basketball on a team.
[] I've played baseball on a team.
[] I've played football on a team.
[] I've played soccer on a team.
[] I've done cheerleading on a team.
[] I've played softball on a team.
[] I've played volleyball on a team.
[] I've played tennis on a team.
[] I've been on a track or cross country team.
[28] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[] I've bungee jumped.
[29*] I've climbed a rock wall.
[] I've lost more than $20.
[30] I've called myself an idiot.
[31] I've called someone else an idiot.
[32] I've cried myself to sleep.
[33] I've had (or have) pets.
[] I've owned a spice girls CD/cassette.
[] I've owned a britney spears CD.
[] I've owned an N*Sync CD.
[] I've owned a backstreet boys CD.
[] I've mooned someone.
[34] I have sworn at someone in authority before.
[35] I've been in the newspaper.
[36*] I've been on TV.
[] I've been to Hawaii.
[37] I've eaten sushi.
[] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[] I've watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[] I've watched the 3 Stooges.
[] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[38] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[39] I've been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers.
[] I've been called a geek.
[] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[40] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[] I've hugged one or both parents within the past 24 hrs.
[41*] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[42] I've written poetry.
[] I've been arrested.
[43*] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[44] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[45] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[46] I've had/have siblings.
[47] I've been to a rock concert.
[48] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[49] I've been in a play.
[] I've been picked last in gym class.
[] I've been picked first in gym class.
[] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
[50] I've cried in front of my friends.
[51] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[] I've played Halo 2.
[] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[] I've been to Alaska.
[] I've been to China.
[] I've been to Spain.
[] I've been to Japan.
[] I've had a fight with someone on AIM.
[52] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[] I've had serious conversations on any IM.
[53] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[54] I've been forgiven.
[] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[] I've cried at a chick flick.
[55*] I've cried at a non-chick flick.
[] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[56] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[] I've been to a rap concert.
[] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[57] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[58] I've driven on the highway/been on the highway.
[59] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 40 miles in a day.
[60*] I've been in a car accident.
[61] I've done drugs.
[62] I've been homesick.
[63] I've thrown up.
[] I've puked on someone.
[64] I've been horseback riding.
[65] I've filled out more than 10 surveys like this.
[66] I've spoken my mind in public.
[67*] I've proved someone wrong.
[68] I've been proven wrong by someone.
[] I've broken a leg.
[] I've broken an arm.
[69] I've fallen off a swing.
[70] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight.
[71] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.
[] I've lost my backpack.
[] I've come close to dying.
[] I've seen someone die.
[72] I've known someone who has died.
[73] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.
[74*] I've done modeling.
[75] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[76] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[77] I've realized how good my life is.
[78] I've counted my blessings.
[79] I've made fun of a classmate.
[80] I've been asked out by someone and I said no.
[81*] I've slapped someone in the face.
[82] I've been skateboarding.
[83] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[84] I've lied to someone to their face.
[85] I've told a little white lie.
[86] I've taken a day off from school/work just so I don't go insane.
[87] I've fainted.
[] I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
[88] I've pushed someone into a pool.
[89] I've been pushed into a pool.
[90] I've been/am in love.
*3 -- I have watched cartoons for hours. Futurama, South Park, and Family Guy
*5 -- I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs. When I was 2: a ghost pushed me. After trying to push my father!
*14 -- I have listened to one CD over and over and over again. The Pixies' Purple Tape album
*15 -- I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects. Check out My Life is a Stupid Novel Part II
*29 -- I've climbed a rock wall. I used to be a wall-climbing instructor!
*36 -- I've been on TV. On the evening news, on a protest with my mum and Nora, holding a placard that said GET THE GOVERNMENT OUT OF MY GARDEN (lobbying against proposed legislation to require prescriptions for vitamins) -- age 13
*39 -- I've been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers. Stuffed others -- this is true
*41 -- I've met a celebrity/music artist. Figure skater -- Joseph Sabovcik
*43 -- I've been attracted to someone much older than me. Patrick Stewart
*55 -- I've cried at a non-chick flick. Life is Beautiful, The Pianist, many others
*60 -- I've been in a car accident. While I was driving, one week before my (failed) driver's test, in front of my place of employment (they all watched)
*67 -- I've proved someone wrong. Honey, that's what I do
*74 -- I've done modeling. For an artist's group when I was 15 -- made $30/hr
*81 -- I've slapped someone in the face. Pete and Matt -- they both loved it
Always, always I have hated Vancouver. It seemed so seedy and disjointed and commerically driven. However ... I've changed my mind. For some reason I loved it this time. Multi-cultural! A sushi restaurant every block! Beautiful people! The shapes of leaves etched into sidewalks! Tiny bakeries where you can get crepes, gelato, rum and cokes, and kahlua milkshakes! Trolleys! Vintage shops everywhere! Avoid the blood and vomit on the payphones -- easy; make friends with people who have cells -- and life is peachy.
Darren picked us up at the ferries, which was super-nice, and later we met up with Jay and Pippa, plus Riley, for beers at a gay bar. An early evening: I would have liked it to go later, but Matt was getting ... *ahem* ... paranoid for some reason, and we had shady business deals to attend to early the next morning. Back to P+J's apartment ("You motherfuckers are always looking for a handout.").
Early the next morning: a cigarette on J + P's third-floor balcony, which has a sweeping view of Vancouver's skyline punctured only by a swatch of bright blue Ocean. Off for the shady business dealings -- which went well -- interspersed with rum and cokes at that little bakery, and limonata, and sushi. I developed a blister two inches long that bled into my new shoes. My heel was in shreds, gentlemen. Observed the insanity of a cultural festival honoring Census Day. Saw Much Music VJ's Search's Nikki Mah (I think) lunching with a friend on a restaurant patio. Back to J+P's. Has anyone ever seen American Dad? It's brilliant. We watched two episodes. More sushi, at a wonderful cheap place with one entire wall that was actually a window that opened directly onto the street.
At 4:30 we decided to go home. We walked to the bus stop. Guess when we got home? 10:30. I'll spare you the details of heat stroke, bus nausea, screaming children, and screaming teenagers, but it sucked. Nice to be back. Still: I've sworn off my vow never to live in Vancouver, and may wind up there a few years down the road ...
Praise the Lord for fits of unrestrained housework:
1) Sixteen beer boxes filled and stacked neatly against the wall.
2) Recycling meticulously sorted (paper, other) and stacked against the wall.
3) Ditto a packet of cardboard (more beer boxes, pizza boxes, etc.).
4) Top of microwave scrubbed and sanitized.
5) Expired vitamins discarded.
6) Lysol applied and wiped from every surface in the bathroom.
7) CLR dumped liberally (perhaps four times the recommended amount) into the toilet bowl; twenty minutes of scrubbing. Followed by baking soda; more scrubbing.
8) Angry, out-of-control squandron of loose plastic bags herded together and stuffed under the kitchen sink.
9) Other stuff.
Matt made us a great breakfast of eggs, fake ham, and tomato on english muffins, plus hashbrowns and coffee. Sunlight. I love Sundays! Next we're off to do Errands: library for use of printer and photocopier, various garment establishments. Slowly beginnning to feel social again: apologies to anybody whose messages I didn't return or invitations I declined. To that end: potluck? Soon? In my nice clean kitchen? We'll iron out the details after I get back from Vancouver.
Had a random couple of beers with a co-worker after Work today, the sunny patio of Logan's/Thursday's, discussion of Art and Addiction. Pale Ale. Craving chips now. Nurture vs. Nature: exact percentage, please. Please? I would like to know. Why does everything have to be so fucking absolute with you? Like I'm not even interested in mathematics. I guess because if your question has an answer there is no point in its asking. And: grammar makes sense, so stick with that? We all have short stories we are ashamed of. And let it be known that correct spelling parallels exactly the evolution of the soul.
I'm in one of those periods where nothing means more to me than reading. Moka House has happened a couple of times, drinks on the end of the Breakwater with Morgan, the ever-present Work: but mostly, reading.
Through it all Sambuca purrs, soup gets made, Johnny Cash and June Carter sing, Matt strums his guitar, and I contemplate having purchased a Mother's Day card on Monday and still not mailed it. Going to Vancouver on Monday. Developing an interest in Mexican food. About to watch Lost.
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Some exciting stuff is on the go that I can't blog about due to privacy concerns. But: looks as though it's all coming together, finally.
Here's something interesting: all my life I've been a size 8-12, depending on weight at the time. Right now I'm a pretty solid 8. But! A size 5 blazer was TOO BIG, while the size 14 pants were TOO TIGHT AROUND THE FUCKING WAIST. Will I ever learn to sew? Will I?
Conversation:
ME: Hello! I'm here to get a BCID.
HER: Stand three inches to your left please. You're standing in the wrong spot.
ME: Okay.
HER: Birth certificate.
ME: Here you go!
HER: This is laminated. It's void if laminated.
ME: Er .... Hm. I understand [lie], but it's been laminated for close to 25 years and it's never been a problem before ... Like for instance last month when I used it for my passport application ...
HER: I know! How about! You pay $40 to have it re-issued!
ME: And then come back here and pay $35 for my BCID?
HER: Okay!
ME: No.
Today's mySpace moment:
"Do you really want to add Clifford the Big, Drunken, White Trash Dog as a friend?
Click "Add" only if you really wish to add Clifford the Big, Drunken, White Trash Dog as a Friend."
I confess the warning did give me pause, but I clicked 'Add' anyway.
(taken from Elisa's blog)
7 things to do before I die:
1. Get my MFA
2. Direct a film
3. Write many, many books
4. Be an MP (and eventually prime minister)
5. Open a coffeehouse/bookstore
6. Drive a green convertible MGM across Europe with Matt
7. Cultivate a successful vegetable garden
7 things I cannot do:
1. Math beyond a grade 4 level
2. Drive (legally)
3. Eat meat
4. Make homemade pasta sauce well
5. Do the dishes after every meal (I wrote that in a job application once)
6. Accept my limitations with grace
7. Grow a beard
7 things that attract me to my lover:
1. Intelligence
2. The way he can calm me down
3. His face, which is expressive and kind
4. Erratic and unpredictable sense of humour
5. Highly evolved social and political views
6. Musical abilities
7. A shared committment to Coast to Coast AM
7 books that I love:
1. "Good Bones," by Margaret Atwood
2. "Howl and Other Poems," by Allen Ginsberg
3. "Self Help," by Lorrie Moore
4. "Sex is Red," by Bill Gaston
5. All volumes of the Adrian Mole Diaries, by Sue Townsend
6. "Dharma Bums," by Jack Kerouac
7. "Moving Targets," by Margaret Atwood
7 things I say:
1. Fuck waiting.
2. God.
3. It's a big old boofy-boof! (when sighting dogs)
4. Who's the greatest cat in the whole wide world? Is it Sambuca? Is it? Is she a princess? Is she just as cute as a little baby gorilla? .... Because someone was telling me that you were the greatest cat in the whole wide world.
5. Who, the hell, do you think, you are? (stolen from Jess, who took it from Family Guy)
6. Do you know how okay that is? That is "a-okay." (I say this at Work a lot)
7. Seriously guys, this is like Serious Coffee serious.
7 Movies I've Loved
1. Happiness
2. Underground
3. City Lights
4. Husbands and Wives
5. Rosemary's Baby
6. Empire Records
7. The Saddest Music in the World
Kudos to Furonda, the latest voted off America's Next Top Model, who made her exit with an ass-shaking, long-leg strutting, sultry-posed bang. We should all kick rejection's ass that way. All of us.
The census came in the mail yesterday. I was bitterly disappointed that it was the short one, not the 65-question one I got last time. I spent some time working out my "issues" in the comments section.
My mother, it should be noted, views a census of any kind an unwarranted and brutal attack on citizen's rights. (Don't even get me started on the kind of tantrum she'll throw when forced to choose between paying higher prices at Safeway or signing up for a discount card.) The last census I remember watching her fill out -- after receiving threatening phone calls from the Government because it was late -- involved a daring and reckless inclusion of all of our pets. A Government worker came to see us a few days later. Came to see us, yes, 12 miles up Silver Star Mountain.
"Who are these people?" he asked. "Who are Sanka, Jamaica, Pan Chin Fu, and Keto?"
"Foreign exchange students," my mother said. "One's from Hong Kong. They come and go."
The only good thing about Match Point is that Spud from Trainspotting was in it.
Another rejection note, from prism, for a packet of poems I sent out a few months ago. Crushing, yes, but handwritten, which was nice, espcially as I've never gotten that for poems before. Readers liked the playfulness of these poems. Sorry to disappoint. So, for old time's sake:
FREE!
What the cat wanted
the cat got:
speeding
down the Autobahn
with a briefcase full of narcotics
wasn't
plan A,
but plan B was just fine.
(copyright Joy Waller 2006)
A record six updates with no comments! Things are shadowy and quiet in blog-world.
I read an interesting job ad: 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, of being on the Internet talking up specific products and companies while on chat forums, blogs, networking sites, etc. There's some sort of connection between this and musicians allowing their songs to be used for cel phone commercials .... I'm not quite there yet, but I'll lay it out perfectly if you just give me time.
Off to London Drugs with the Ball and Chain to buy new notebooks, then some coffeehouse to write desperately in them. I think someone has stolen all of our mail. Ha! They're welcome to it. I'm sure they'll find overdue phone bills, immediate-action-required student loan notices, and the recycling schedule for 2006-07 a fascinating read.