Partitions came into my life today in an actual concrete way, a physical way, in the form of an apparatus used to isolate one of my special-needs students who was going through a difficult morning and couldn't bear the physical stimuli of his classmates. Made me sad because it was an intense moment, an indication of despair that can't be dealt with on your own, and for a moment I felt grateful that no matter what state things reach for me personally I'll never have to undergo the same thing; on the other hand, I wondered if my psychic barriers might be due for a rest, need to be abandoned once and for all as I sew curtains between me and the people I can't deal with: fuck social convention and create a physical distance rather than one that has to be negotiated by careful word-riffs and the delicate treading above emotion and language and feelings. The temptation is there but I'm so human I'm a dog: I'll never trade in a maybe for a definite.
In other news: my middle brother is suffering in Canada and I'm sad and helpless because we are not, have not ever, been compatible and I haven't had a real conversation with him in over 10 years. Never-the-less: I love you. You'll never see it or hear it, but I love you. I know I can't help and I honestly don't know if I would help you even if I knew what to do, but we've got the same crazy-blood and the same vacant-blue-intense eyes and that counts for something, I think.
Posted by joy at February 27, 2009 7:43 AM