January 31, 2006
"no purchase necessary," complete sentences
All is well between again, face to face, eye to eye. Patched, triangular. We cried at intervals last night, wept, no furniture--packed, given away, their walls white again--painted over: 3 am, 4 am, 5 am, 6 am. This is so hard, you guys. This is so hard. But hey: New Life. New Life. Finally leaving I said, You're both prophets. I said to them, I mean it. The two of them standing there together in the hall entrance, how goodbye is, primal grace, mechanisms of an animal trap. I said everything I ever needed to say, hearing and then knowing everything I ever needed to know about anything. A couple of hours later, I guess, they were on their bus, heading East, then gone, bravely. I walked home singing Morrissey's saddest aloud, my voice joyful, sometimes crying. I'm happy. I'm bittersweet happy for everyone. We all know these past three years have defined a time and place so strongly most any detail from any day can be recalled like sudden rain on crystal. I've never watched two people evolve more gracefully, I've never evolved with more intent and heart. But this city can't contain us. This isn't a place to jump from, it's for groundwork only. You would have died here. Small, small place. Deep-set, pervading the mind. You'll always have my continual support in anything you may do. This is a network. I wrote in December that my mind is one in a series and that much has been made clearer than ever. I went home and wrote a poem. Then went to two three hour long classes, unshowered, wearing the same clothes, smeared make-up and dirty hair I've been wearing night and day for days and days. I wish for eloquence, in anything, the slightest expression, but it's finally, finally quiet here and every word escapes me from exhaustion--the past two weeks have been---devastating, intense, incredible, all defining, and the biggest possible comfort. My head collapses, I've never been so grateful that this love exists. I've already said everything. I don't want to taint it by repeating it on here. Or maybe I don't have the capacity. Sleep for the first time in a long time tonight. I feel relieved like I've returned from a funeral, the last rites. I can crumple softly now, hands held, promises kept. We're spreading across the globe. Revolution. Yes, you are. I'm listening hard. I was listening hard today: Doomsday playing in headphones and the wind so strong it lifted my arms to my shoulders. It actually happened. It must have looked like I was flying, about to take off, black eyes, diamonds and everything that follows.
Posted by caroline at January 31, 2006 9:29 PM