Strangest party tonight. High lighting, Fernwood anxiety, pastiche. Homemade Hot Hot Heat finger puppets doing naughty things with mirrors and baking soda. I went out on the back steps of the apartment at one point to have a smoke and all of a sudden I started praying and crying and not breathing very well at all and then Xavier came out of nowhere so I quickly stopped. I was so thankful. I am so sad, so sick and so thankful. Nothing makes sense right now.
“I’m terrified,” I said. “I’m so fucking terrified.”
“Of what?” Xavier asked.
“The next step. This time next year. I can’t visualize it at all.”
“ . . . .cultivate culture. This is a time to cultivate culture.”
I almost started crying dumbly all over again. Of course. This is what you do when you can’t see ahead: you look around you. So the sadness. Hence. I mean: train rides-- no one else knows where you’ll be getting off but you’ll come home eventually, when the feeling strikes. I’m actually grateful to God. I don’t know where I’d be without everyone that’s in my life right now. Thank you. This is a bit of a strange time for me. It’s often now that I feel as if I can’t see two feet in front of me. So I just jump on my bike and go. Ride until I’m so lost that I’m actually scared to keep going straight. Usually at night. In a neighbourhood I thought I knew. Proving myself wrong is one of the few things I've kept from earlier times.
Posted by caroline at September 28, 2005 1:12 AM"I did not expect to escape, but I felt bound to record it if I did."
- J.M.W. Turner
I know you feel like life is going somewhere you cannot percieve right now, Caro. That may frighten and overwhelm you, but know that the unknown adventure is always full the most excitement. Your friends will always be there for you as you are true to them... us. Use your inspiration of this time to create something worthy of how you feel and, hopefully, this will lift your fear and bring you to a new state of realization, within your situation.
too bad there was no pot..
Hope you feel better.
"unknown adventure is always full the most excitement"
that much is a given. problem is: i don't want excitement anymore, I want proof.
Posted by: caroline at September 28, 2005 3:10 PMI feel a lot better, thank you Mel.
I think I just needed to sleep. I slept until 3pm today, being sick can really take it out of your--emotionally as well.
i'll probably see you later this week.
anyway: time for class.
Posted by: caroline at September 28, 2005 3:41 PMFeel like drowning your sorrows at Felicita's tonight (Wed) at 8:30-nineish? World's Fattest Racehorse!
(missin ya ... feel a need to be around when you can't breathe and tell jokes about very large cats, or quote Airplane.)
for starters:
"Surely you can't be serious."
"I am serious, and please don't call me Shirley."
joy,
you're just amazing. I read your message when I was already at Bulford’s, so I missed you and that frustrated me greatly. I made a few frustrated grunts. Bulford soon joined in and we sounded like a herd of cows in a grassy frenzy. I'm also frustrate to miss W.F.R.H. In other news, JFK is doing well under my sexual tutelage. We get along as well as a man and a woman are able. He's a better dancer than I anticipated.
Geez. All this time I thought I was talking to Sylvia, but really you're Marilyn.
I suppose I'll never get my dinner.
Posted by: ted hughes at September 29, 2005 8:03 PMI'm really a lot better at being a giant literary ho-bag and bringing you your beer yo.
Posted by: caroline at September 29, 2005 11:48 PM