Pennies From Heaven

He's a Beautiful disaster .

I only saw the very end of the Presidential Debate but from what I say I thought John Kerry kicked fucking ass!

I'm looking forward to the second and third debates.

Toady was decent. I had a sociology exam and it went okay. I had talked with the professor about how the exam would be and he said that it would be multiple choice. I HATE multiple choice. So, I asked if he could have some sort answers. He said he would do that for me. Well, when I got to the resource center and began taking my test it was all multiple choice.

I was mad.

I wish I had a good boy to miss me.

LA DE DA.

I wonder if he as thought of me today...

On another note, I'm going to stop seeing my therapist...haha... I'm not feeling it. I'm going to take a break from therapy, after five years I think it might be time. :)

Finding Nemo From A Distance.

Here are the pictures of my apartment that I promised I would post long ago. Hope all are well. Miss you all lots! xoxoxo

Update on my grandma... she was taken to the hospice today. They are giving her a week. Then we will be off to Kansas.

Living Room View One

Living Room View Two

Living Room View Three

Eating Area

Kitchen View One

Kitchen View Two

Hall

Bedroom View One

Bedroom View Two

You've been gone so long.

My dad's mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 8 years ago. She has had to move out of her house and has been in a nursing home for a few years now. My dad is considered the black sheep of his family for he broke away from the Fundamentalist point of view. He has never had a relationship with his brother nor his mom for that matter.

He got a call from his brother a few days ago telling him that there mom was very sick and that she has been taken to the hospital. Last night the doctors didn't expect her to live through the night. She is unable to swallow and they have had to drain her lungs, she is going to end up suffocating herself. I don't think they are going to have her lungs drained again because of how invasive and painful it is. The reality is that they are pro-longing her life and there is really no point to that when she is in this state.

They don't expect her to live through tonight, though one never knows. If she dies tonight we are going to off to Wichita, Kansas and the funeral will be on Wednesday. Last night my dad was telling us that he doesn't know what to feel. He doesn't feel like he is losing a mom because he doesn't know if he ever had one. He never felt love from her. I hope he knows and can feel that the people in his life love him.

The Lord Bless you and Keep you.

Just had lunch with my grandma and her boy! They are such a hoot! Both of them are 84 and have a cane or a walker. It is just too funny. Ivan, her boy, called me a few weeks ago asking me about cell phones. We talked for a bit about other things as well and then ended up setting up a lunch date. Well, last week I went over to my grandmas for breakfast and since I didn't have Ivan's phone number with me I asker her for it. When she found out we were going to lunch she gave me this look like "well, whatever!" She didn't want to be left out! So, all three of us went. Since they have canes and walkers it should obvious that walking is somewhat difficult. But we go to a buffet! It just cracked me up. They are so funny. It was enjoyable, they are both such sweet old folks! :)

My parents are hosting their annual October Fest tonight. It should be a nice event, however, it just got done hailing here so I hope the weather will decent.

On another note, life can be confusing. Last night I was sad. I didn't have anything to do; no one called. I didn't call anyone either but I feel like I call my friends to do things so much. Maybe I'm just super sensitive but it would be nice to get a call asking to do something. I say life is confusing because I look at other people’s life and see how much pain and shit some have gone through. I look at my life and realize that I have gone through pain and shit but nothing to the extent of some people. It bothers me. Why am I so "lucky?" I then wonder if I'm in some sort of denial and have rationalized a huge portion of my life. I hope not, though why do people suffer so much? There are just so many questions that can't be answered.

Oops...I did it again!

How evil are you?

I could just close my eyes and forget everything.

I'm sad.

I'm in the mind set of being single again. It's hard and I'm lonely.

Yes, I have friends. Yes, I have family. But those things are not the same. I need to feel loved but other than by friends or family.

What is that? A part of me questions why I need that. I have support from people who love me so why is that not enough? That does not make me feel good enough.

I don't wanna be a tease

There has never been a fully clothed man that turns me on like the boy that I sit in front of in Biology. I literally cannot describe in justice how hot he is. He does something to me--this feeling beginning from my crotch and working up toward to my chest. He is hot! The way he dresses and the way his shirt fits his well toned body. His biceps are defined and he has a tattoo on one of them...he is just gorgeous. I just want to study the male antimony so we can help each other! :) Picture gorgeous...well, that's him! (however, he drips of hetrosexuality)

On another note, I have had my first rehearsal for the Denver Gay Men's Chorus. But first, I need to go back to yesterday morning. Well, I had therapy and I knew my therapist is gay. I also knew that he gave money to the DGMC. When I knew I was going to audition, I told me and of course told him when I got it. Yesterday, I went into my session annoyed and upset with him for a variety of reasons. I confronted him and we have seemed to work passed some of the issues. However, during the session I remember thinking to myself how ironic it would be if he sings in the chorus too! The session ended and I went off to class.

Hours later I arrived at the first rehearsal. I meet my DGMC Mentor buddy and got to know him some. Rehearsal began then, I heard the door open and I look over and in walks my therapist with music in hand.

Fuck.

"Why didn't he tell me?"

"I mean he didn't have to tell me..."

"He should of told me! He needed to tell me!" I thought to myself.

After we warmed up the director asked all of the board members to stand up and introduce themselves. Well, by golly, my therapist is on the board of the chorus!

Great.

At break we approached one another and I said "its nice to see you in a different setting..." He asked how the rest of my day went and then told me why he didn't tell me that he was in the choir when I had mentioned it in therapy. It made sense...kind of...

Love Changes Everything

This weekend was pretty fun. On Friday I meet my best friend Kirstin and we hung out before my class. She then had to go to work and so did I. We made plans to cook dinner at my place so we meet up after work and made dinner. She goes to school about an hour outside of Denver and was going to head back that night. But instead we rented movies and got ice cream and had sleep over!! It was good times! The next morning we went for breakfast and CD shopping. :)

That afternoon I went to help my boss paint her house. This was my first time painting inside a house. It was fun though, they had a paint sprayer so I was all about that. I got messy though. That night my mom and I went to get pedicures...I love getting pedicures! It was some good bonding time for us! :)

Around nine I meet a friend for coffee at the "gay" coffee house and we played a game of chess. I lost. I'm house sitting for a family friend and he has dogs and cats so I had to let the dogs out. I love those dogs. Ealier this summer I watched them and took them for a walk...people were commenting on the dogs and I so pretended they were mine. :)

Sunday was the first Sunday that I sang in the church choir. It went pretty well I think. I'm learning how to read music more and more. My goal is that since I am singing with the Gay Men's Chorus and the church choir that I will learn how to read music better. I think it's a reasonable goal.

I went over to my grandma's for breakfast after work this summer. I didn't know my sister was going to be there so it was nice to see her too. My sister asked me to sing a song at her wedding! It is going to be a prelude while the guests are arriving. She is going to have two people sing these. I was very honored and am excited.....and nervous.

Well, I'm at school right now waiting for my class to start. But I'm off to make two phone calls to Canada right now because today is a special day for two of my dearest friends.... :)!!!!! xoxox

The first cut is the deepest.

I'm just chillin' here at my apartment before I have to go back to work. I didn't go to class today because I had a doctor’s appointment.

This past weekend was The Taste of Colorado. This is where a bunch of local restaurants from around the metro area all set up booths and people can taste there food. You buy tickets and each item is a certain amount of tickets. I don't know why I'm talking about this since I didn't even go! haha.

Tonight I'm going to speak to my mom’s class again. I spoke to one of her classes a few weeks ago about my learning disability and IQ. She is teaching a class to students who are learning how to give these types of exams that determines a learning disability. After that I'm coming back home and going to sleep! I'm so tired! I got almost no sleep last night.

I want it to snow.

I have lost about five pounds since my last visit to the doctor. I started working out again and I need to keep it up!

I was watching the news this morning and one of their stories was on the soldiers that have been injured in Iraq. Once a soldier is injured they are air lifted to Frankfurt to the Wounded Soldiers Hospital. They were saying that they needed donations of new t-shirts, sweat shirts, socks, toothbrushes, phone cards, etc. The stuff collected will be used for the soldiers until their personal belongings reach them at the hospital in Germany. Well, I thought it would be a good idea for the kids I work with to bring in those items. I think that it would help them acknowledge what is going on and hopefully they will feel they have supported the people overseas. So, I made some phone calls and we are asking them to bring in the items. Then American Airlines will fly all the items to Germany. I hope they bring stuff because it would be a good experience for them… I would hope.

What am I to you?

I hope that I'm not taking on too many obligations. I pretty much decided about joining the church choir. So, I will be rehearsing for the Gay Men's Chorus on Tuesday and for the church Thursday and Sundays. I work 30 hours a week and have 12 credit hours of classes. Plus, time to study. Also, I might get a second job. I have applied to some places for a second job but have yet to hear.

I bought the Black EyePeas CD yesterday. It is super. I love it. I have had "Where is the love" in my head all day.

My sisters wedding plans are coming along. She is getting married at such a beatiful place. It called The Phipps Mansion.

This is a cute picture of the three generations of women who are in my life. My mother, my grandma(moms mom), and my sister. Brandon's Women That was taken at one of her showers.

I can't take losing sleep over this no I can't.

Being a member of the homosexual race SUCKS!

Boys. Yuck.

Who needs them anyways...?

...me......

As much as I try to "embrace" being single and "live the single life" it becomes harder and harder. I feel lonely and today I have felt that a lot. It comes and goes though today I felt it.

I don't know what it is. I don't know if I'm too pushy, too outgoing, too kind or what. I feel like my energy can take up a lot of space at different times and I fear that it might be a negative thing. I don't know what guys are looking for. Maybe its that I don't know what I'm looking for...? All I know is that I feel ready for a serious committed thing. Time will tell and I know I'll have to wait it out... and I will. But the wait is just causing a lot of pain.

Where is the love?

This afternoon was a stressful day which ended up making me depressed. I ordered a pizza and ate it all...mysef.

I had a dream last night about Joel and Ellian, his girlfriend. I was in Victoria moving back to Denver and trying to gather things. If my memory is right one of my elementary school teachers was in it and I was walking across town with someone and then I spotted Joel. I can't remember it all or the actual events. But tonight when I checked my email I had an email from Ellian. It was kind of strange.

Well, thank goodness its Friday. I get to sleep in tomorrow!

What should I be for Halloween?

You see all my light and you love my dark

Today, the gay group on campus had there welcome back reception. It was nice. They had a salad bar and karaoke for people who wanted to sing. I have been in that office a few times saying I would like to volunteer and asking if they would accept proposals for workshops.

But while I was waiting in the student center before the reception I realized that I am starting all over. I remember walking into the UVic Pride Office for the first time all by myself, and here I go again, by myself.

I'm glad I can do this alone but it also saddens me. I formed such a wonderful core of people at Pride and I realize I no longer have that accessible to me. I hope that I find something like that here. So, I'm both excited and sad.

Also, I called Heath and Anna today and they were finishing up packing because there flight took off at 4:00pm today. That just made me sad because its like finalizing my time there.

On the flip side, I'm liking my life here so far. Its different and bitter sweet, but its good.