I was driving home a few nights ago and was thinking about, me. I was thinking about the way I see myself along with the way I think other people see me.
I passed my Elementary school today when I was in the car with my mom, she said "don't you think those are the best days, when you were a child?" I jokingly said "yeah, but not if you are a depressed child."
She asked me if I was referring to myself and I said no. I said no because I don't think I was. I was a shy kid and very aware of my surroundings. I felt a lot of other kids’ pain, which in return made me feel bad. I don't think I was depressed when I was a little boy but I don't think I was as care free like the other boys. I'm not saying I regret this or wish it was another way, though the other night when I was driving home I said to myself that I need to love myself.
I don't think that it's as easy as it sounds. I know I want to love myself, but I don't know if I'm afraid or just don't know how.
So, I'm at work and just had an experience! I don't know if you remember me blogin' about the mother who would only allow Jesus to pick up her child. Well, this afternoon she asked to speak with another child and tell her that she was pretty and such. I agreed, knowing that this little girl could use all the positive reinforcement she can get. I listened to the mother talk to make sure she was not using any religion terminology. So far, so good.
I told the little girl to say thank you and I took her away. A few minutes later, I noticed this mother holding the girls hand and praying. I walked over and pulled them apart saying that is not okay, and this is where it gets fun!
The mother, I will call Jane. She knows my dad is a pastor and asked if I prayed and was a true Christian. I said yes on both accounts. Jane then continued to inform me that I leave Jesus at the door and asked me how I can separate my soul like that. LOL! I had to laugh. I looked her in the face and said,
"That's not my problem. If you don't see Jesus in me, oh well. That's your problem not mine," I said.
She then said "its not my problem. I cannot understand how you can separate Jesus from your soul while you are at work. I see Jesus in Linda and Nick (other workers) but not you," she told me.
"Well Ms. Jane, I don't need any reassurance from you, that you see Jesus or God in me. I know that he is in me 24/7 and that's all that matters. If you cannot see that part of me, that is so your bad."
She went on about what we don't do and this. Bringing in religion crap upon more crap. I told her that the basic universal understanding of all religions is love, kindness, caring and compassion for everyone. We teach that here to all our children and they know on whatever level, that it can be spiritual with out us saying it. She just continued to say that I don't get her and she just doesn't see God in me! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! I have to laugh because I don't give a fucking damn what she said! When she was walking out I told her to make sure to tell Jesus to wait and that I will be out there soon! :)
I have more to say...last week she came up to Linda, the site director, and told her that she has to take her daughter to a priest. She has to do this because some kid at this camp gave her daughter an evil spirit that has been troubling her daughter. Jane says that the priest needs to place his hands over her to remove the evil demon. A part of me wants to crack up laughing while another part of me wants to cry. I feel so bad for this child. She is only five and tells me that she speaks in tongues! I fear for this child and her development, because from what I see it will be messed up!
The conversation with Jane and I was fun for me. We were both laughing but on a deeper level I'm sure she thinks I'm going to hell. Wait till she finds out I'm gay!!! I had fun debating with her for I know she thinks poorly of me. My heart just goes out to her daughter.
God damn, its raining...I hope Jesus is still out there waiting! :)
I found an apartment!
I put down the holding deposit and am going to sign the lease in two weeks. This apratment is so cool. Hardwood floors, around 850 square feet, top floor with great views. I'm living in an area called Capital Hill so the state captial is like 3 blocks away. I'm also only about 20 minutes from my parents house. I'm excited!
My friend from Spain is coming to visit for 2 weeks and arrives tomorrow. He was the one I was planning on visiting this summer, so I'm glad he got to come here again.
My dad and I are planning the trip to Victoria and I think whats going to happen is I'm going to fly up August 11 while my dad will fly up on the 13. I was going to plan on staying after my dad left but I don't want to live Victoria alone. Having my daddy with me will be a help, since I will be sad.
Well, I'm off to go find something to do. The weather today sucks. Cloudy, cold and rainy. Hope all of you are well. Much love!
Denver had its Pride Celebration last month and I finally got around to transfering the pictures from the camera onto the computer. It was fun to hang out with friends and such. We watched the Parade and then where it ended they had tons of booths and food and things you could buy. We walked around and then left...right before it down poured! I didn't take lots of pictures but here are the ones I did.
I was thinking about the Senate's decision all day and hoping that the people we have elected would do us justice! So far, so good.
The voting broke down like this. There were 48 YEAs and 50 NAYs. John Kerry and John Edwards did not vote. They are playing it safe since they are the Democrats on the ticket... wimps! One of the problems we have with Kerry is that he has not come out and said what he stands for exactly! I would have more respect for him if he would just come out and say "I voted for the war, but now am against it because of this and this...." Truth is he is playing it safe so that he won't lose votes on either side. This is what I hate about politics!
Click here to see the voting and such.
I cannot stand this man! If you are interested, here is what he had to say in his morning radio address about the issue of marriage! CLICK HERE FOR BULL SHIT
Also, this is what he had to say once he heard that the Senate had rejected the amendment change. CLICK HERE AND GET FURIOUS!
From what I understand, this is only the first round and that they will bring this back to the Senate for an appeal of some sort. For the first time in my life I feel like who I am and who I choose to love is worth nothing. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a “white male” and have not experienced this type of prejudice before. I don’t know how to say what I’m feeling at this point, expect for the fact that it hurts. It hurts that I’m living in the country that so much of the world’s population would want to live in and yet we don’t have respect for everyone. Tell me then, what is this country based upon? Because its contradicting what I have learned and what I hear the elected people in Washington say.
We really need God to bless this country right about now.
At work there is this boy who is cutest thing ever! I would want my
child to look and acts just like this kid. He is super cute. Well,
today we were playing one of the kids’ favorite games, "dance drop."
It's where the kids dance all around the gym and they have to drop to
the floor when we shut the music off. Today we had it on a local radio
station and Usher's song Burn comes on. I love this song and know the
lyrics so I'm making a fool of myself dancing and singing with the
kids. Kate, a woman I work with, comes up to me and says "go over and
watch "Johnny." I go over and sit by him and he is singing along
knowing every word! This boy is six years old and the song came out no
longer then 2 months ago. However, not only was he singing but he was
dancing and that topped the cake! There are no words to describe how
cute he looked. I was laughing so hard. That kid just makes my day.
Shortly he and I began singing the song to one another. It was cute.
Unlike last summer, today was the first day where we delt with a kid
calling another kid a faggot or gay. Last summer it happened all the
time. I was talking with the group of kids and heard this boy say "ew
he's gay!" He said this to a five year boy. My back was turned toward
the kid and right when he said it I turned around and was like "go into
the office and I'll be in there a minute." That kid was dumbfounded!
While I was talking to him I went over my normal speech about how its
wrong and can be offensive. This little boy is black so I asked him if
he would like it if someone made fun of him for being black. Of course
he said no and I told him that calling someone gay, when they're not,
is the same thing. He had no idea. I hope I got through to him but this
is a kid who likes to chock other campers.... haha.. so, we'll see.
One time last summer when this girl called these two brothers
faggots, I pulled them into the hall and had a talk. I asked the girl if she
knew what it meant. She said yes, it means to be quiet! LOL! I was
like...well, no... I explained it in little detail because if I went
into too much parents might get upset. I just told the parents what
happened and that they might want to explain it to their own kids. Oh
the joys of Day Camp...but that is nothing compared to the blood, pee,
poop, and tears we deal with on a daily basis. Oh and kids running up
to my saying that Jenny called her a "ugly cow!" I had to laugh at that
one!
I have been out with a guy several times and we both have had a good time. We went to see Spider Man 2 last night (awesome movie by the way) and once again had a good time. It is so strange. The emails I get from him leave no doubt in my mind that he likes me. But it's when we get together that I begin to have doubts. We have been out like four times over the past month and a half or so and have yet to kiss, which is fine, though from the emails I get I gather a different feeling then I do when we are together. Well, last night I was telling him about how I might be staying in Denver and all my new plans and ideas. He was supportive and said nice things. However, last night I got the sense that he might
like me...I just don't know. I hate to ask him about it but I guess I might have too.
On another note, I went to my moms church again today because I have a crush on the musical director! He is so cute. I don't know his age but I think he must be late 20's or early 30's. I don't care. I need an older man I'm discovering... plus an older man who can sing, play the piano and has some faith! Plus he is so cute!! If I do stay here I might be joining their choir... haha.. I'm a loser I know it. But, I'm telling you, he is adorable!
I sit here not knowing what to say. The past few weeks have been a time where I have thought a lot about what I feel I want but more importantly need to do. There are many reasons why I have thought about transfering schools. One major reason is that I am unable to work in Canada and that I have relaized I feel much better about myself when I work. Another reason is that I don't want to study drama at UVic. With that in mind I looked into the Child and Youth Care program at UVic...well, I happened to miss the deadline. Right now I am still trying to sort out what I feel I need to do. Apart of me knows that I have already made a decision, yet the other part does not want to admit that. So, for the past few weeks I have been trying to figure out things...so, we'll see.
Other then that things have been going okay. Work is work...though this past week work has been somewhat sad. We have had a few of parents complaning about some things...I know that we cannot make everyone happy but is just made me sad since I know I try so hard. The parents I talked with I reassured them that we all ar trying and that we all care so much for these kids. That's the truth. We spend 9 days a hour, 5 days a week for 11 weeks with most of these kids... so how can we not truthfully care for them. Its when the parents who don't see that and then they come up saying all this bad stuff that just makes me discouraged.
Though I do have something very funny to say. We have this one parent, she is a single mom, and she is nuts. I mean she is crazy... I'm not joking. Every morning she places her hand on her daughters head and prays for about 3 minutes. There is nothing wrong with that but its just strange. The mom talks in third person all the time when refearing to her daughter. "'Janes' mom don't play games..." she tells us all the time. Well, her daughter got hit in the head with a ball or something and was crying. When that happens we have to fill out an Incident Report since an object hit a kids head. Well, while I was filling that out I had to look at her file to get some information. One of the papers the parents fill out is a sheet with emergency numbers and who is allowed and not allowed to pick their child up. Well, I looked it over and guess who is the only person allowed to pick her up besides herself...? She put Jesus! I'm not joking.. she wrote the big JC down... shit, why won't he ever come pick me up? This little five year girl is going to have some issues. I think we should pray for her......... ;)