Pennies From Heaven

You Are Beautiful No Matter What They Say.

So, here I am. Just got home from Didriches and am feeling somewhat down about myself. I have wondered many times why I go there if I end up feeling bad. The majority of the time I don't have any real issues, but nights like these where I go and see a bunch of flaming homosexuals is when I end up feeling like I don't fit in and that I can never have a boyfriend because I don't fit into the typical stereotype of the homosexual young male. However, I soon begin the internal battle of knowing that I am more, mature, if you will, then that most of those boys, and that I need to be with someone who is not caught up in the scene and someone whom I can share and they can share their true feelings with.

I went on a date the other night with this boy whom I have been talking with online. The people who I have meet online before are mostly losers who are doing little with there life. Though this boy was different. He asked questions and genuinely seemed interested into getting to know me. I mean when I meet people I try to make sure they are comfortable by asking a lot of questions and if I sense they are nervous I tend to be the one to keep the conversation moving along. I didn't have to do that with him. He is graduating from university in a few weeks with his music degree and wants to teach band and orchestra. So cute. I really enjoyed the dinner and the talk. However, that was two days ago and we have talked little sense. I guess that does not mean much, thought the feeling after dinner was that we both had a good time and that we would like to see each other again. Of course that was nice to hear this I enjoyed myself. I did call him the following night and left a message just saying that I'm calling to say hi and to see if he wanted to get together sometime this week. I have not heard anything yet. I'm getting nervous and kind of sad. I don't know. What is the right amount of time one should wait to call? I think that this is a part of my issue at Didriches tonight. I was feeling bad about myself because I was assuming that this boy is not going to return my call and since I have found someone who I believe I can relate to, it is hard accepting the possible reality that he may not feel the same. Only time can tell. I'm going to wait a few more days to see if he calls and then if not should I try to call once more? This bites.

I saw my new therapist today.

The Historical Orgin of the Middle Finger...and then some!

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for you edification and enjoyment. Before the battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore the soldiers would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew Tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won. A major upset was at hand and the English began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French and saying, "see we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some "folk etymologies" have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker" which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the longbow arrows) the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to the labiodentals fricative 'F' and thus the words often used in conjunction with one finger salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

In language, "FUCK" falls into many grammatical categories:
It can be used as a verb both transitive "John fucked Mary" and intransitive "Mary was fucked by John."
It can be an action verb "John really gives a fuck" a passive verb, "Mary really doesn't give a fuck," and an adverb "Mary is fucking interested in John," or a noun "Mary is a terrific fuck."
It can also be used as an interjection. "Fuck I'm late for my date with Mary." It can even be used as a conjunction, "Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid."

Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations.
Greetings- How the fuck are ya?
Freud- I got fucked by the car dealer.
Resignation- I guess I'm fucked now.
Trouble- I guess I'm fucked now too.
Aggression- Fuck you!
Disgust- Fuck me!
Confusion- What the fuck...?
Displeasure- Fucking shit man...
Lost- Where the fuck are we?
Disbelief- Unfucking believeavle!
Retaliation- Up your fucking ass!
Apathy- Who really gives a fuck?
Suspicion- Who the fuck are you?
Directions- Fuck off.
It can be maternal- Mother Fucker!
To Tell Time- It's 4 fucking twenty!
As an anatomical description- He's a fucking Asshole.

Even notable people use the fucking word!
"What the fuck is that?" -Major of Hiroshima
"That's not a real fucking gun." -John Lennon
"Where the fuck is that water coming from?" -Captain of the Titanic.
"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" -Richard Nixon
"Heads are gonna fucking roll." -Anne Boleyn
"Any fucking idiot could answer that." -Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her." -Picasso
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" -Michelangelo
"Fuck a duck." -Walt Disney
"Houston we have a big fucking problem." -The crew of Apollo

Let It Be

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

There ain't no doubt I love this land.

I find myself sitting at the terminal in a restaurant awaiting my place to depart, though I know I have a few hours still. Everything thus far has gone smoothly, thank god. I got to the Kenmore office this morning and “had a talk” with the nice to look at worker.

“Hi. We are going to have some issues with my luggage,” I said.

Nice to look at worker responds, “ What do you mean?”

“You see my bag is over the 24 pounds and way over 40.”

“You get your bag and put it on the scale,” said nice to look at worker who now seems annoyed.

I go and drag my bag over and place it on the scale. “I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed,” I confess to the newly annoyed nice to look at worker.

He told me that I am over weight but they won’t charge me here. However, they might change on the other side. I said okay and sat down.

Time goes by. I turn my head to my left and see this nicer to look at worker running up to the door. “Shit, it’s locked, how will he be able to come inside,” I thought to myself.

By my liking he walks around and comes in the other door. He says hi to the nice to look at worker and then beings to check people in as well. During this time people arrive and I noticed how little luggage they have. I sink into my seat. No Brandon don’t think about sinking. You are getting on a sea place for fucks sake. Ah! Internal dialogue eating me alive.

Shortly, I hear this “clunk, clunk, clunk” and I look out the door and see this girl with a suitcase just as big as mine! “Thank the holy mother of God,” I thought. Her boyfriend is carrying her suitcase up the steps and once she sees my suitcase I hear her turn around to her boyfriend saying “there is another big suitcase.” From that moment on I felt a connection to her.

Much to my disliking the nicer to look at worker is checking in my new large suitcase friend and I started to become jealous of her. “Why does she get to have him check her in? Bitch.”

The nicer to look at worker gets up and I can finally get to have a better look. Yum. Nice shirt, jeans and they all fit well. I was liking it.

“We are will be boarding the 9:00am flight to Seattle,” the nice to look at man announced. However, the nicer to look at man was now nowhere to be seen. I said my goodbye to the nice to look at worker.

Once I'm outsideI look up and my heart sinks…NO Brandon don’t think of sinking…okay, so my heart… leaps, because the nicer to look at worker is standing by the door of the plane! Yum.

Don’t trip.

I soon realize why he is there. He is to help place the luggage into the plane.

Oh no.

I didn’t want him to know how heavy my bag was. I mean since the nice to look at worker had become aware and then he became the annoyed nice to look at worker. Well, there was nothing I could of done. I handed to him and once again confessed how embarrassed I was due to the weight.

“Yeah, this is a heavy piece of luggage,” the nicer to look at worker said.

I boarded the damn plane feeling like the nice and nicer to look at workers are just those damn metrosexuals that are out to make gay men like myself all worked up.

I’m going to go buy some trashy magazines and maybe I will learn how heterosexuals and those damn metrosexuals can better their sex lives in like seven easy tips.

This fucking bites!

I am at the resource center and just finished my exam. I started around 4:45 and finished at six. I turned in my exam and walked outside until I heard someone scream my name. I turn around and it is the women from the resource center. She said that I actually have to hang out here for a bit since the other students have yet to start their exam! WHAT?! So, I have to wait around here for an hour and ten minutes! NO! I have so much to do that its nuts. I just want to go away!!! Help!!! The MSN on the computer is not working and I'm so hungry that I think I'm going to die! I just want to be done with school, and now I have to wait!

Oh shit, let me tell you this. I leave tomorrow and I'm taking a seaplane from Victoria to Seattle. I called the sea plane place today and asked about luggage size. I can only have one bag that weighs up to 24 FUCKING pounds! WHAT?!?! I asked her how much an over weight bag would be. She said it would be a dollar per pound up to 40 pounds and then if it is over 40 I would have to buy another seat!

You have no idea how much shit I am in. When I went home for xmas my bag was 84 pounds (4 pounds too heavy I might add), and I was only gone for a month! I will be gone for 4 months and I can only have 40 pounds!?! This sucks. Plus, I'm trapped in this little room with white walls and a surveillance camera over my right shoulder so the women at the desk can see what I'm doing. I'm so hungry! Help...me...please?

That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight losing my religion.

I put my things in storage today. I hate that U-HAUL place. It's just not made for gay boys like myself. Thank god for Anna and Heath's help though along with Jonas van. With out those things I would just stopped wherever I was and cried. Plus, the U-HAUL place is just so crying material. Yuck.

The apartment is bare and cold. I have one more full day and then Friday morning I'm off. I will arrive in Denver around 6:15pm. My parents have had a lot of renovations done to the house and I'm looking forward to seeing it; bathrooms, hallways, floors, windows, master bedroom, and my mom will finally have her always wanted walk in closet! Gotta keep your dreams alive!

I'm hoping I will be able to begin work on Monday. I have my YMCA interview on Saturday...even though I have worked there and for the same people I might add, for the past four years...I still have to have an interview. I hate that legal bullshit.

Ben and I hung out tonight and had a nice time. Just ranted and raved. It has been over due I must say.

I mean admit it, we all need some male model laundry!

Holy, Holy, Holy Lord God Almighty.

I had a wonderful day today. It began with two of my favorite people and needed with another two.

I made Easter brunch for Anna and Heath, and I do have to say it was very good. *High Five Brandon* I made a Frittata, which was wonderful, along with asparagus, fresh fruit and croissants. We ate and drank many mimosas along the way! Once we stuffed our faces we went for a walk downtown and ending up at Beacon Hill watching the dogs while sitting enjoying the sun and the wonderful overtone of the entire day. I mean it was an amazing day. The air was filled with a sense of joy as I watched people go about their routines. I normally don't feel that but today was different. It was nice.

After we walked for an hour and a half we came back to my place and had dessert and more mimosas. A huge part of what made this day so wonderful is that I got to spend it with two wonderful people. It was great. :)

Anna and Heath headed home and I took a nap but was woken up by my phone. It was Ben! Yay!! Ben and Michael came and picked me up and we went for coffee. I can have coffee now! Lent is over! Michael bought me a coffee. It was nice. We sat and talked then went to the break water and walked to the end. I seriously could not of asked for a better day. It was truly wonderful from the food, walks, sun, coffee to spending it with four people that I care so much about.

On another note, I spoke with my parents today. They had a good day. This was my first Easter away from home and the first for my parents to be childless. Growing up is so bitter sweat.

I will be home in 5 days!

Stronger Then Yesterday.

My break up with Aaron taught me so much about my own inner workings and how to stay grounded. I look back on those lessons a lot of the time in my daily life when conflicts arise. I feel that if Aaron and I were closer in distance I would want to be with him. Yeah, I don't think I'm over him. Fuck.

One thing I was aware of during the break up with Aaron was that being bitter gets you no where. I still believe this to be true. Fuck though, its amazingly tough.

A few days ago I was talking with Ben and Anna, on two separate occasions, about this boy not liking me (not Aaron). I told them that I have this feeling that he doesn't like me and of course they asked why. I didn't really have an answer. It was just a feeling I had. My intuition. We had plans to see one another this weekend. I was going into this with the feeling of uncertainty about him liking me or whatnot. This morning I woke up and saw on his msn name that he was sick. Interesting I thought to myself since he was supposed to be catching a ferry this afternoon. I sent him a message saying "you're not feeling well?" I then had to go and do a few things.

While I was out I just knew he was going to not come. I came back and we talked on msn and I made a conscious effort not to give him a way out by saying something like, "well, you don't have to come if you are not feeling well." I felt he needed to bring it up and I was not going to make it easier for him.

I know that I am going by assumption here and that he may very well be sick, have no voice and can't get out of bed. This may all very well be true and if it is I hope he gets better fast.

Well, in return to his saying he is unable to come I just told him that "I think we should end whatever we have because its not worth it and it's going to go no where." I felt like a dumb ass saying this over msn but since he told me he could not make it over msn I thought I would do the same. See, I'm being bitter! Fuck!

Parts of me are annoyed, hurt, disappointed and angry. I put a lot into making this Easter weekend special for not only him but myself. I was trying to do something special for me since this is my first Easter away from my family and also that this will be the first Easter ever that I am not going to church. Maybe I will go to some church...

However, Anna and Heath are still coming over for brunch tomorrow and I'm looking forward to spending the Holiday with them.

I also was trying to decided if I should even post this to my blog incase he would read it. I don't beleive he is a bad person or whatever but if he is not sick and used that for a way to get out of coming over...that is where I have a problem with and the truth is I don't want to be with someone who can't even be honest.

Okay, I'm going to stop here and pack up this apartment some more then off to the beach.

I need to go figure out my own shit in this and not be bitter. I hate being bitter it makes me feel bad.

let in the brilliant light of the morning

i see the clouds in which the stars were concieved in----they radiate an overwhelming sense of calmness that creeps into our life unexpectedly. we engross in the beauty in which they have left behind, bending it to our fashion that creates a world of hope.

-me

At the end of the day we'll give thanks and praise...ease my troubles that's what you do.

I signed the document today and my signature was the last one on there! Ha! Take that I say!

:)

I'm leavin' today, livin' it, leavin' it to change.

I went to the gym and did 25 minutes of cardio. I was happy with myself and even thinking of going back tonight.

I got a call from "Jane" today to inform me that "Doug" has the document but has yet to sign it....

She will call me when things are in order. Whatever.

I'm listening to some Christina right now.

Lost in those we thought were friends.

Fuck it!

A few days ago I meet this women I will call "Jane," at Serious Coffee to look over this document in which myself and this person I will call "Doug," are supposed to sign. I looked over a rough draft before I gave my consent that it was what I needed and wanted. I faxed it to my parents so they can see it before I sign it as well. We all thought it was fair and that I was to go ahead and sign it. I called Jane the following day to inform her that it meant my needs and that I was ready to sign it. Jane told me that she was pleased that I was happy with it but she does not want me to sign it until Doug has signed it. This was because she wanted me to know that when I signed it Doug had already seen it and that it was a done deal. Good I thought to myself.

Well, today I turn on my phone and noticed I had missed some calls. I called them and one number happened to be Jane. She told me that if I was ready to sign the papers today that we could meet. I was under the assumption that Doug had signed them and things were in order. I go to the meeting place and meet this new guy whom I have never meet, I will call him Will. I arrive in the room and the papers are handed to me and I flip through them and realize that Doug has not signed them. I was shocked. I told them both that I thought I would not be signing them until Doug has. Jane confessed that is what she has told me at first but when she called me this morning she has asked if I had wanted to sign the papers in advance of Doug. I don't remember such a comment being made.

I was uneasy about this entire thing. I sat there trying to make sense of my feelings I was experiencing. I told them that I don't feel comfortable signing this because Doug has yet to sign it and even SEE the doucment. I am not putting my signature on this until he has read and agreed to what we have asked. I felt this way because Doug has the option of seeking legal council and if I sign this I would feel vunlerbale, and I am the last person who should be feeling vulnerable and people like Jane and Will should be making sure I am not! Though that is not what has happened through this entire process. So, why did I expect something else? Got me.

The verdict is that I have yet to sign this damn paper. I walked out of there feeling taken advantage of and pissed off. However, I felt good because I stood my ground and did not let them push me over. Both Jane and Will told me that it was fine but they were just wanting to get this over with as soon as possible for my sake...bull shit! So, all in all, I feel good about putting a stop to them attempting to push me over yet again!

Step into the danger zone!

Well, today started off as a normal day where I went to brunch with Ben, Michael and Natasha. Like I have said that was normal and nothing to be suspicious about. We finished eating and Ben, Michael and I were going to go bed shopping with Michael. We tried calling and rounding up Paton and Brendan so we would be the "fab five" looking for beds. After leaving abnormal messages on Paton's voice mail we gave up. This now is when my day beings to turn bizarre. We walk into the bed store and begin walking around. This salesman approaches up and begins to talk and talk and talk and makes jokes and be embarrassingly annoying. I felt bad for this guy. Yeah, well it didn't stop there. After watching Ben and Michael jump and bounce on the beds in which this salesman was showing us Michael had decided on a bed. The salesman informs us on having too many beers last night because it was the end of the hockey season, along with telling us his wife is having a baby and squeaky beds are no fun. We just all look at one another and smile with our eyebrows raised. Well, to sum up, Michael bought a bed.

I'm getting ready to go out to Steamers with friends from drama. Talked with Richard today and am excited about him coming on Friday. Well, I think I'm going to jet.

Don't mess with us-yo yo

I love Zach Morris!

I love SAVED BY THE BELL!

Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?

I'm a one man guy in the morning, same in the afternoon.

What a fucked up a week. Its over and so is school! What more could I ask for?

This weekend is going to be sad. One of my close friends from drama is leaving on Monday and never to return to the shit hole Phoenix! A bunch my friends from drama are going to hang out...it will be our last time...*snob*

I'm so sad.