’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.
I'm sure there are things that I'm yet to learn but I know that through this process I have learned a great deal about my being. From the days of going to my dad's church and hearing him talk about "the light" and how one must go through the darkness to find the true light, I have realized how painful the search for light can be. The thing we can hope for is that the journey in which we are on will allow us to experience the darkness and emerge with the light that will not only heal us but others. Be open to the dark, but have faith that this was meant to happen.
So, I'm at Anna and Heath's again and we are playing Clue (though I'm taking a break because borad games are like not my thing. :) Meghan is here as well and borad games are like so her thing. She is crazy when it comes to them. We put face mud on our faces and it was fun. It got all dry and was funny feeling. :) Heath just loved it. haha.
Today was crazy. I don't really want to talk about it.
Well, you know what bitch? I think you should take yo ass and leave. Just made sure your fat ass don't be hittin' the door on yo way out!
Michael and I went for a walk today down to Willow Beach. I've never been there before and I have to say that I like it. I want a house that over looks it! That would be so nice.
Anna, Heath and Meghan don't leave. I love you much!
i am at anna and heaths playing risk and drinking. a lof of people from my acting class is here and its fun. yay. we are talking and i think i have drink too much. but not to the point of being like drunk. fun times. i talked with richard tonight...i like him...he is cute. i think i might go now since meghan is like standing behind me looking over what i am writing. byebye. she was not reading what i was writing until i wrote her name... WHATEVER! though she says HI! and i say BYE
I made it back to Victoria last night by 11:30, holy, what a long day. I was on almost every possible form of transportation, car, plane, bus, boat and taxis! All I want to do is sleep but I won't be able to relax until tomorrow night when I have turned in my film analysis and finished an exam.
I meet Richard yesterday in Vancouver for dinner. It was of course, good to see him. He had to leave around six and i was not getting the bus till 7:45 so I walked down to the water across from Stanley Park and attempted to be artistic with my camera. Some of the photos seems to turn out well. I ate too much.
I'm in the Pride office looking at the brand new monitor! Its so pretty! I had a therapy appoiment today but he was cancelled, again. I'm beginning to wonder if this is a sign...I really want to finish my Dr. Pepper but I don't think I should. I really don't want to go do damn lighting hours at 3.
I just want Thursday to be over with. Maybe I should go clean something. I don't know. I should study.
We had the engagement party for my sister. It was a nice event with Aaron and his mom and sister along with my family and grandma. We each said a toast for Courtney and Aaron and had a wonderful meal. It was very nice, and I like Aaron a lot. He's a good guy!
Many of you know that my sister fell snowboarding last week and broke her arm. She had surgery and all and has this "equipment" emerging out of her arm. To try to lighten the difficulties of this for my sister, we all had a laugh about finding a cure for us limp wrist homosexuals. Here is what that would look like. This is graphic and may be uncomfortable to see. Michael, I do not suggest that you look at this! Also, it was her idea to take a picture. Just had to make that clear so people don't think I'm a cruel and insensitive brother!
However, in all seriousness she has been in a lot of pain and every time she takes the bandages off she becomes re traumatized by the pain and experience of what happened. She is going to go see someone to work through the experience, because she was supposed to head back to New York today but we all decided that it would be best for her to stay a week longer. We can all joke about it but she is in a lot of pain and I wish I could just take it all away. In better news, they have found a place to the wedding and have set a date! I'm looking forward to it. I'm just really glad that both Courtney and Aaron are happy!
On another note, I been talking with Richard since I have been home and we talked about were we stood in our relationship. We both confessed liking one another and were deciding on what to do; like if we should do the long distance thing and what about the summer when I am at home and such. Well, we have came to this conclusion, we are dating. We will be able to see one another a few times before I come home for the summer and when its time for me to head home we will talk about what we want to do. So, I guess you can this is a test run...haha...but we didn't know what else to do since living in separate places.
Anyway, I'm off. Adios.
Hugs and Kisses
Home. Home. Home. Family. Home. Home. Home. Dad. Home. Home. Home. Family. Home. Home. Home. Mom. Family. Home. Sister. Home. Family.
YAY!
I’m home! hehe
I had a long day yesterday. I woke up at 4:30am to catch the Pacific Coach Lines bus to Vancouver at 6:00am. Made it and got on the ferry and such. I planned to leave this early so that I would be able to see Richard for a few hours. I got into Vancouver and Richard picked me up from the Train Station and we were going to go walk along the seawall at Stanley Park, but it was raining. So, we went to Metro town, this huge mall with tons of things to do. Shortly, we got hungry and we went to this Sushi place. It was yummy. We were sitting at the bar and they had these boats that go around in circles with sushi on them and you just take off what you wanted. It was neat and fun to hang out with Richard. However, by the time lunch was over it was time to head to the airport. Richard drove me and we said goodbye. He's such a cutie! hehe.
I made it through the airport just fine and got settled on the plane. I hate flying. I just get nervous about it all. Well, thank god that the plane was not full and I had no one sitting next to me! So, I lifted up the arm rests and laid down and slept most of the flight. I woke up and we landed.
My dad picked me up and we were off to the restaurant in which we were meeting my mom, sister and Aaron. My sister had no idea I was coming home. The reason why I was coming home was because we are having an engagement party for her tomorrow. So, my dad and I arrived at the restaurant and got a table. Shortly, my sister comes walking in and turns around to my mom and gives her this look like "I know him, he looks so familiar!" She was like, "this is my brother?" hehe...Yup. She was surprised and happy! Yay! I love my sister. Though I do feel bad because her arm is in a sling with four screws poking through her skin... :( But, they think they have found a place for the wedding! Yay!
Well, that was my day. Just got done talking with my parents and now we are all off to bed.
Goodnight from Colorado!
I'm needing to be home. It will be nice to be in the presence of my family, even though my family will be changing/expanding very soon. I'm excited for my sister to be getting married. I'm glad she has found someone to love and someone who loves her back. Being her little brother it's also difficult for me that she's getting married. Our relationship is going to change, not in a bad way, but in a way that's happy-sad. I will be needing to say goodbye to a part of my childhood. I guess I've known this and have grown up over the past few years; I'm discovering my life on my own in my own place. But there is this part of me that wants to be a kid again and have that type of realtionship with my sister. I'm going to miss the nights we would sleep out in the TV room, the mornings she would run into my room and jump on my bed waking me up, the Christmas Eves where we watch movies and fall alseep in my room. These are just the pains of growing up I suppose.
However, I will get to see Richard tomorrow. :)
My friend Meghan and I wrote this story during a very exciting 105 lecture.
She wrote the words in blod and I wrote the others.
There, on the barge stood Delilah whom was humping the soft sofa. She was warming when all of a sudden she saw this figure becoming closer. This excited the man. He became erect fast and lunged downward to his phallus. Delilah threw herself on the erect, throbbing, hearing, hairy shaft. Later the man bitch blew a bubble. Bubble-whore from the opening crevasse of life. Eventually, motherfucker limpdick went to the market. When suddenly he saw this strange unique person...
We also made up new phrases of swear words:
-Fruity bitch cock
-Scrotum tit bitch
-Yeast infection humper
-Saggy boob cock squeezer
-Cum shit roaster
-Zit face nipple licker
and last but not least
-Anal cramming rectal caption (proudly thought of by Meghan)!
Is this what we have learned? Don't be fooled! Because I'm going to have a career in lighting technology! I mean come on, I could work on the Disney Cruise Ship, The Royal Theater or even be a electrician! Who knows, the Spice Girls might even come into The Royal and they will need the whole package. Because no one would be happy if the lights, like just went out on opening night, people would not be thrilled. Nowadays, lighting is taking leaps and bounds with nice movable and fun looking lights! Though I mean I won't be able to work in Las Vegas and work on Hamlet. I mean there are just no dance numbers.
Oops. I actually want to be a Sound Man. Yay! There is just a whole world of sound events. But working at Disneyland would be boring, remember. I could work at museums because they are special places. Beer Bash! Yeah! What's your band again...Dixie Chicks...no, Spice Girls. I mean people just have to hear well, have to have good ears to be in sound. The only reason its there is the price is right, free! Plus, borrowing is best. Renting is okay. But if we can make it ourselves I think we should because then we would get to keep it.
You mean I have to have something else then a nice degree from UVic?
Fuck.
Courtney, my sister, came home this week and on Saturday her and Aaron
(Her fiancé) went snowboarding and while she was snowboarding she fall and broke her arm! She went to the ER and found out she needs to have surgery. So, tomorrow they are placing four pins in her arm that are like screws and over the course of six weeks the screws will come through the skin and unscrew themselves...some how...? I just want to give my sis a hug!
This week while she was home she was hoping to start some of the wedding plans. She and my mom were going to go look at dresses and such but now her arm is taking up all her time and energy. I feel bad. I just want to see her. Ah!
I have like, not a lot of days left of school! :) I'm excited about the summer. I'm excited to start work agian. I think I will be going to New York this summer for my sisters graduation and I'm excited about that too!
I talked with Richard today and we have made plans to meet up on Friday. I'm excited. I have been talking with him online for a bit now. He's cute. :)
I just got back from seeing a movie and having dinner with Anna and Heath. I love them and will miss them so much with whatever happens next year. Speaking of next year, I feel this week, that I want to stay here. I think starting my degree over again will be even more discouraging and I will feel like I am getting no where. I don't want that. On the flip side, I have found out yet more disgusting things about the department that I am in. It just infuriates me. This weekend was auditions for Guys and Dolls and Amigo's Blue Guitar , which are plays that the department will be producing next fall. I signed up for Guys and Dolls but decided to cross my name off because I don't trust these people, I don't feel like they are here for our best interest and I don't want to affiliate myself with the performanace part of this department. It's fucked up. If I got cast I would fear I would bitter and unhappy during the rehearsal process let alone the run of the show. I know that would be unfair to me and the other people who actually think this department is something more then a fresh piece of shit. I'm so done with that joint.
For some good news, I meet a boy this weekend. Joel, my old roommate, and his girlfriend were having an open house last night. Joel called me and invited me to go. So I went. I arrived and walked in the front door and noticed this boy in a navy blue shirt and thought to myself, "thank god there is a gay boy here."
Once Joel arrived I pulled him away and asked for reassurance. I was right, He's gay!
So, Richard and I began talking and I ended up really liking this boy. I come to find out he is from Vancouver (just my luck), but I liked him and he was super cute. After we had finished about our 9th beer we starting to kiss. He's a good kisser---I like good kissers. :) We then went outside and hung around the fire pit and talked with people and just had a good time, of course while drinking more wine.
Shortly we left and tried to get into Prism...we tried because Richard forgot his wallet at the house. Oh well. So, we came back to my place and just fell asleep. Aww. It was nice. This is a nice boy.
I will be traveling though Vancouver this weekend on my way home and hopefully Richard and I can meet up for a bit. Who knows what will happen. But its nice feeling to have meet a nice boy. I like nice boys.
there's a letter on the desktop
that i dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to
in our adolescent war
and i start to feel the fever
from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons
shadowing my dreams
and the mississippi's mighty
but it starts in minnesota
at a place that you could walk across
with five steps down
and i guess that's how you started
like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me
and i start to drown
and there's not enough room
in this world for my pain
signals cross and love gets lost
and time passed makes it plain
of all my demon spirits
i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost
i'm in love with your ghost
dark and dangerous like a secret
that gets whispered in a hush
(don't tell a soul)
when i wake the things i dreamt about you
last night make me blush
(don't tell a soul)
and you kiss me like a lover
then you sting me like a viper
i go follow to the river
play your memory like a piper
and i feel it like a sickness
how this love is killing me
i'd walk into the fingers
of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity
i've never been this close
i'm in love with your ghost
unknowing captor
you never know how much you
pierce my spirit
but i can't touch you
can you hear it
a cry to be free
oh i'm forever under lock and key
as you pass through me
now i see your face before me
i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island
as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence
and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like achilles
with you always at my heels
this bitter pill i swallow
is the silence that i keep
it poisons me i can't swim free
the river is too deep
though i'm baptized by your touch
i am no worse than most
in love with your ghost
you are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
You know you had a wasteful day when you've had 2 showers, 3 baths and a nap.
Did I do any work on at least one of my two, 10 page papers?
Did I read The Tempest?
Did I memorize my monolouge in which I'm performering on Thursday?
No, no and no.
Time for bed.
I went over to Heath and Anna's tonight and watched a movie. I have not been in the best of moods lately. Not that I am mad but more sad. After I left Heath and Anna's I went to the bar. I went not knowing who was going to be there and I ran into a friend from drama class. It was such a relief to see her for some reason. It really felt good to give her a hug. However, I realized there were a lot of people there that I knew. I had a beer and left.
There is this boy who I think is really cute. I first talked with him online and then have since seen him at the bar. I have attempted to make some small conversation with him at the bar along with on MSN. I don't know what to think. I really don't feel like he is interested in me at all. I asked if he wanted to meet up for coffee sometime and he said he would, though it was strange because he didn't respond to my messages soon after. I don't know! I don't know him at all. I think he is attractive and seems to be a nice guy. Its just lonely and I hate to say it but I think I would feel better about myself if I was in a relationship. If I was in a relationship I don't think it would solve some of my issues, actually I know it wouldn't. But I think I would feel better about myself.
School is almost out...there is a lord and she is good!
I don't know if I'm happy. Does anyone? I suppose it may be many things I'm not liking in my life. I have realized that I feel this way too much. When I think about moving to Toronto I fear that I may be only running away from something that will eventually catch up to me where ever I am. I don't want to live like this. Maybe it's the time of the year. But I have my doubts.
My external world for the most part is wonderful. Great friends, fun things to do, learning new things and the list can go on. Though my internal world is uneasy. The internal world has more power than the external, so I need to be figuring out why I'm not happy. I know this is a life long process so I can't count on finding the meaning of life by writing my thoughts in a damn blog. However, I'm hopeful to believe that I can feel genuinely happy before I get to my life after this one.
On another note I'm so glad I have no classes on Friday. I need this weekend just to relax.
You know, I don't give myself enough credit.
Do you ever just want your mom?