Pennies From Heaven

Marry Me

I would marry Michelle Kwan. She is stunning.

I went into A and B Sound a few weeks ago to see if they had the Salt Lake City Olympic Figure Skating Competition and Exhibition highlights of 2002. They didn't so I had to order it AND they said it would take three months. Argh! I ordered it anyway. The wait began.

Then today I got a call from the nice man at A and B Sound informing me the dvd's were in! YAY! This made me so happy! I rushed over and picked them up. Came home and have been in delight ever since. Michelle Kwan is beautiful. Tears come down my face when I watch her skate. Gosh, she is amazing. If anyone of you would like to see Michelle Kwan skate, or any of the 2002 Figure Skating highlights I would not at all mind showing you! :) I will be watching it daily.

Wathcing skating makes me miss it. I need to go skating more often. When I was being coached I loved skating to my program, gaining speed has I went into the jumps. My coach would be on there telling me to "pusher harder " or "Brandon, stick the landing!" After I was done with a run through of the program he would simply say "go stroke." I would then have to skate around the rink three or four times keeping a consistent fast pace. Those were good times. How I felt while I was skating with breeze through my air and the chilled air thourgh my lungs. It was great! However, after my ice time I then had to go home and get ready for school. Yes, I had to be at the ice rink at 5:00am three days a week. Thank goodness my dad would wake me up and drive me. It sucked when I got my drivers license and I no longer could sleep on the way to the rink.

I'm going to go watch Michelle again.

"Memories, light the corners of my mind. Misty water colored memories of the way we were."

I love my home, home.

Goodnight.

What happens if I lose the will to win?

I have made some important decisions my life. I am wanting to better the way I live not only physically but spirituality, emotionally and sexually. I have realized I need to value me more. Value me for my talents, my intelligence, and my gifts I have with people and children. I can no longer live in the belief that I dumb. I have lived with that all my life. Over the holidays, I remember talking with my mom about this. My parents have always reassured me of my strengths. We have been able to talk about what I struggle with as well. The most painful thing is that while I am in any school system I am going to struggle. Things take longer for me to understand, takes me longer to read and write. The standard type of testing that is done within the school does not, by any means give an accurate measure of someones intelligence.There is so much beyound the choices of either a, b or c. I know on some sort of intuitive level that I am already beyound some peoples ability to connect with people. To be engaged with someone fully and truly feel their emotions. This is wonderful and great but it won't help me pass a theater history test. I am only now beginning to accpet this part of me. Though I feel like I am constantly set back when I am in class feeling unable to compete with the other students. I cannot compete on the intellectual level. I don't think that way. I feel inadequate. Even now, when I write this blog I have to spell check every other word on Word and copy and paste. It's hard to deal with. But I need to know and truly understand that it's okay. That I'm okay.

I have always had a realtionship with God. I feel at this point in my life I'm just beginning to give something back to that realtionship. I don't think that one's realtionship with God will ever be compelte until they reach heaven(or whatever one believes). There are times when I'm angry with him/her. Why is he putting me through this? What good will come out of it? Why do I have to suffer? These questions that I have wondered is just the beginning of me becoming me. One has to go through the dark to get to the light. Without the dark there would be nothing to celebrate. I have come to know that it is the darkness in which the growth occurs in. It's painful, lonely, depressing and much more. Though once I have reached the light all my questions will be answered until I come across more darkness. The darkness is never ending. At times when I feel in the dark, I feel more at ease. For I know that God is with me and that even though I feel alone he is there and waiting for me. It's comforting...yet it makes me so angry.

If I devaule myself what do I have? Nothing. What is the point in that? It is so much eaiser to devaule oneself then it is to vaule it. It feels like it takes more energy to make a conscience effort to be happy and to know that you are a good person. Though I am only discovering this, I value me and God even values me.

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To live is to experience pain. To experience pain is to grow.

Last night I fell into a depressed state of mind. This happens from time to time. Things that go through my mind I know are false, but yet I believe them. I went to see Mystic River. Wow. It was intense. I would of blame my depression on seeing that since it was a depressing movie, but I noticed it before. I got home and shortly went to bed. I met Marlet Dan this afternoon. We walked up to Beacon Hill and looked at the water. It amazes me that I forgot that its right here. I made an agreement with myself over the summer that when I got back to see I would have to see the water at least once a week. I have not done that. I really should. The water is so magical. I don't know what it is but it does something to me. Makes me feel content I suppose. Dan and I hung around some more, went to Moka house and then back downtown. I had to get back home so we said goodbye.

At chapters today I bought three new cookbooks! I was looking through the pictures and am so excited to try to make some of the things. I also bought two sets of towels for when my parents come and visit. I'm super excited about their visit. I have a lot to do before they come. I want the "flat" to be in tip top shape and for them to have nice weather. I know I can't control that...but we can hope for it.

The reason I am studying drama is because it's something I love. That's enough of a reason for me. I don't feel like I need to defend it to people, becuase I know its value. Now, the thing I don't know is if it is something I want to have as a profession. I mean it would be cool to have but I just don't know in what aspect. I like to act, but I would like to direct. I want to have that partnership with people like some directors are able to establish. I want to work with the actors and help them reach the point of performance; but along the way pay attention to there emotions. By paying attention to how they might be reacting to things they would be able to grow personally through the process of creating a show. My main purpose, would not to produced an amazing show. This does not mean that I won't have an amazing show nor it does not mean I don't want an amazing show. But I think that in the process of creating something many people overlook how the process might be effecting people. To me this is one of the most important things about creating art, the process of the individual[s] and how they got to the point of performance. I think this is often disregarded and I don't want it to be!

"I'm too ugly to be a narcissist."

Woke up around eleven, meet Ben around 12:30. Our mission for the day was to find a spa for Michael's birthday. We went to Angel Spa and booked some treatments. The women working was an odd ball. She had a shaved head, spoke ever so gently and seemed very unsure about what she was supposed to be doing. She reminded me of a typical spa person who was into ultra earthy healing stuff. We left of course after booking treatments. Ben and I got outside and looked at each other. We knew from each others look that we need to scope out other spas. Not only because of the woman but also of the cost. We went to Aveda where things were much more reasonable and the women who helped us was very competent, which made me feel better. See, I didn't have the hurt nor he guts to call the other place and cancel the treatments. So, being the person I am I made Ben do that. Let me tell you, he did it with style and grace. :) Good for you, Benny! I gave him a hug. We left the mall and walked around some more until I got a text message from Brandan telling me what treatment he wanted...so we went back to the Spa and booked him time. What do Ben and I do when we don't know what to do? We go to Starbucks! We went, for the second time today. We read. Ben wrote. When Ben and I are together we tend to objectivity each boy who passes by us. Every boy we pass we comment on. Its good times!

Shortly we parted our ways.

I got home and made some tomato soup with girlled chessed sandwiches. Yummy. Talked online. Did my homework. I bought the Canadian Idol's CD today. I like it so far. Off to coffee house shortly and then to a movie with my dear friends from drama. Gotta love them. I do. Adios.

All endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time...

I had two of my old roommates over for dinner tonight. Joel was my roommate from last year, along with one of them from frist term, and I have to say that I love that guy. He is such a nice and real person. I lucked out so much with having him as my roommate. I must admit that I miss not seeing him everyday. He is one of those people who you are just honored to know. He told me about his possible plans for the summer. He and his girlfriend are thinking of biking from Mexico back to Canada! I was blowen away! That is something I could never do! I mean if I put my mind to it I suppose I could, but I hope that works out for him so he can tell me all about it. He asked abouy my plans for the summer and I am thinking of going to Germany. While I was there I would visit my exchange student I had while I was in grade 11. There would be a sense of closure for me if I were to see him. He was living with my family for four months, but those were very difficult four months for me. I was in the processing of coming out and dealing with my insecurities about that issue. In addition to that, I was comparing myself to him and how he looked and his wit and talent; meanwhile avoiding to recognize my gifts. I was depressed and was at the peak of how much I weighed. Over these few years I have done a lot of maturing and growing up and seeing him would be wonderful. So yeah, that would be the first part of the trip. Then I would want to go and visit many of the German concentration camps in Germany and Poland. I would hope to visit Anne Franks house in Holland as well. This part of history always intrigued me. I don't know.. these are my plans for now. I know I'm going somewhere this summer. I just don't know where yet. But I think this is a pretty solid idea.

I just finished a wonderful book today, The Five People You Meet In Heaven but the author of Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom. I would recommend this book! It's a great story.

Tomorrow I need to work on my "Rasing the Dead Monologue." In my acting class we need to choose a person who is dead and research them; with that information we find become that person by creating a monologue. The character's bio is due on Monday and I present my character on Thursday. I have yet to start. I think I'm going to be presenting Sergei Grankiuv. He was the pairs skater who died on the ice while rehearsing for a tour. I don't know, I need to get busy. Thank goodness for the weekend!

Oh by the way, hat boy is coming over for dinner on Wednesday...

An Evening with Brandon

It's 7:20 on Wednesday. I have film studies until 7:30. Yeah, I didn't go. After my three hour lighting lab, I just could not think of going to another three hour class. However, in my lighting lab we got to take apart an eight inch fresnel. It was fun. Kelly and I mangaed to take it all apart and snip the wire and then re-wire it back and screw in all of the screws back to together. Once we were finshed we had to check to make sure we did it right. We do this by using a meter thingie that goes on the plug of the lamp. There was one little problem but being the excellent drama students we are we fixed it...(with help from Steve of course...:). So, there. I didn't want to go to film studies. I came home and finished reading a play. Took a nap. Read another play, and now I need to write a play card. Tomorrow night I am having my old roommates over for dinner. I have no idea on what to make. Something easy. I guess I will figure it out. I'm looking forward to having them.

How could I forgot! The State of the Union was on last night, in which I missed. I was disappointed that I missed it so I went to www.whitehouse.gov and watched most of it. Hum...what a character my President is. Or lack of one. I just have to shake my head at some of the things he was talking about. Whatever. It will be exciting to see what happens in November.

I made Pancakes for dinner!

RICHARD from You Are Here
Connections. That's what it's all about. Before my dad died he was always on me about making connections, he was right. He was right but he was wrong. Because it's not just the networking kind of connections. It's the connections of everyone-of all things-you know? And I was thinking: I don't really feel very connected to anything really. Sometimes lately when I'm here at the cottage I feel like "I like it here" but I think a feeling of connectedness is supposed to be more than just "I like it." Do you know about Atman? It's a Hindu thing. It's the eternal part of us that is beyond physical description. It's like, something about "that which pervades all." Something about being the thing and being the thing which experiences the thing and the thing that understands that experience all at the same time. It's pretty interesting.

Bake at 400 for 6 Minutes

I baked again today. I'm finding out that this is an activity that I enjoy. Last night I searched google to find a recipe for Snickerdoodles. I have been going through withdrawl from these cookies because they don't sell them at any Starbucks in Canada. FYI they do in the states Nothing is wrong with this of course. So, this morning after a meeting, I rushed off to The Market On Yates and bought the ingredients I needed. I love going to this store not only because it's close to where I live, but because of the hot boys in which they employ. I did a double take as I walked passed the milk. I thought to myself, "that boy stocks milk so nicely!" I made my way over to the meat section and politely asked for four pork chops from the man that is standing behind the counter in which seperates us two. I thanked him and went along my way. WAIT! I need cream of tartar! Hum...I have not a clue on where to go. I stood in the middle of the aisle looking lost. "What hot boy should I ask this time?" I scoped one out and approached him. I had to laugh at myself because he just looked at him and said, "I have no idea." Thank the Lord for people being honest. I said "not a problem," smiled and walked away thinking, "boy he was a cuite." I manged to walk across the store and found this buff working man who was wearing the cute little blue shirt that had the logo on his left pec. Man was he buff, a little too much for me. None the less, it was fun to walk to other side of the store and have him show me where the cream of tartar was. I thanked him and smiled. Now, I figured it was time to go. I went to pay and was disappointed that all the cashiers were women. Though she was nice, so thats all that really matters. My items were placed in plastic bags and I found myself swearing in my head as I walked up Yates, about how much I hate carrying heavy things. My fingers hurt! I was sweating! Gay boys like me should not have to worry about runing our freshly manicured nails when carrying heavy and unpleasant things. Anyway. I got home and begin to bake. I have to say I am proud of myself. :)

To transfer or not to transfer that is the question.

Over the holiday the thought of transfering schools came into mind. I have pondered on the idea ever since and have took action by researching information about Ryerson University. I'm very torn. I like Vicotira, the city, and I love my friends. Though at times I feel like I could be receiving a better drama education elsewhere. Like today when I left my acting class feeling annoyed and disappointed at what just took place. I know this is first year acting, but nothing I have learend thus far is something I have not known on some level. My undergradaute degree I am studying what I enjoy and drama will teach me skills that are desperatly needed in society. I know that what drama teaches people is valuable and important. Though some of the things I will take away from this degree are from some of the realtionships I form with my teachers. A few of my encounters with the faculty within the department have not been totally encouraging. I have not recieved a sense of realness from them. I want the people who teach me to have complete passion and energy for those who are eager to learn. I want them to be approachable . I want them to be sincere. Am I asking to much?

On another note. Paton and I went for a beer. Yay beer. We had a very nice talk. It was a delight to chat with him and to get to know him even more. I have come to figure out how much Paton and I are alike. It's encouraging to see things about yourself in other people. It's a nice reminder to know your not strange.

This is my bottle of sand. I thought you might like to see it. It's my one sort of spiritual type possession. It comes from a desert near the Dead Sea. The cradle of civilization.