I wish it was that easy
Seventeen working hours later, I can now parse the hand-coded database. There was even more information hidden in the database than I realized, as some of the sections were to be sorted in a special way (1Gateways comes before Gateways -- don't forget to remove the 1), and some of the fields contained incorrect information, like the "sort" column which contained a mix of numbers and "on" and off (note the use of quotation marks).
But its all ok. Its in a proper database now, waiting for more normalization, and more "business logic" to be applied to it. Hurray. I even managed to whip up a quick PHP script to access the database and pull structured objects from it. I'm surprised how easy it was. I even wrote a couple iterators for it.
And did I mention I hate PHP? I don't think I did: I HATE PHP!
Objects don't have private variables. Strings don't interpolate method calls on objects properly. You can create objects willy-nilly just by refering to them. Oops, you created an object, and accessed the private variables: bbye encapsulation. isset(), is_float(), is_integer()... Why the hell doesn't isset() have an underscore like the rest of them?
Oh well, it won't be too bad. It won't, right? RIGHT?
Hello?