inbetween

Lori, Chris and I went to a glass fusing workshop, it was fun.

I've forgotten what it is like to be creative and abstract, to express things ideas that have no words.

I miss that. I've been feeling stagnant lately, studying mathematics and computer science. Granted, there is a great deal of creativity in math and computer science, but it has all been very guided, and controlled. I've been answering their questions. I've had to do what I've been told and express ideas to impress professors. Today, I got to be creative just for me, regardless of anything or anyone else. I made art for me.

That was cool. I don't think I'm going to share it with anyone else. Well, maybe only the special people in my life.

I was young in the back yard of my childhood home. There was someone else. He was a wizard. He was my enemy. We fought like they do in the Harry Potter movies. I won. We went into the back shed. It was messy. It was green. He was my friend. I was hiding. I found lots more magic wands, but now they were darts. I asked him if he had a magic spell to clean the shed. He did. We found what I was looking for before the battle. I shot a wizard beam/dart thing down the well, and opened the secret passage way.

I was in a hot tub in a public pool complex. There was someone else. A different person. I didn't see his face, but it was a him. We were naked, having sex. There was a sign that said "Sex is free, enjoy." Stephen Segal came into the room, fully clothed [thank the lord!] and pulled the other man up and into the locker room. They argued, and Segal beat him. The other man owed him money but convinced Segal that he was mistaken. After Segal let him go, the man laughed at him and invited me back to the hot tub. As I was leaving to join him in the hot tub, I asked Segal to wait a few minutes, so I could do him.

We went back to the hot tub and got down to business. There were people in the hottub with us, but they were only watching. They were disgusted by what they saw, but couldn't help but watch.

What perverts!

1. five chapters of math
2. four chapters of computer science
3. one chapter of geometry
4. four chapters and 30 handouts of some different computer science
5. write a set of instructions
6. start the big scary report
7. clean the house
8. laundry
9. relax, somehow.

1. decide what I'm going to do with the web site.
2. finish the big scary report
3. decide what i'm going to do with the next few years of my life.
4. quit waffling. It's not helping.
5. write in the diary some more.
6. ugh.
7. think about finding a new place to live.
8. photo album on the website (after #1)
9. dunno. figure something out for #9.

I think I'm depressed. I don't go out much, I drink lots of beer (more than I should), I haven't been going to classes, I haven't been doing homework.

I've been playing lots of Diablo II though. That's a good sign, isn't it? Right? Hello?

I don't really understand why this is so difficult. A few weeks ago, writing in this diary was easy. Now, I just can't seem to force myself to do it. Maybe I've got a little depression. Maybe the cold that I have is messing with my head. Either way, it is a problem.

And it isn't limited to just this diary. I don't seem to be very excited or even interested in course work. Going to classes is also becoming a problem. I should really get off my lazy ass and do something, but the question that keeps popping into my head is, "What should I do?"

I don't know what to do. There are a million possibilities. I could write in the diary (what do I write about?), I could write some perl to do something interesting (a photo album? been done.), or some homework (blah! boring), or some homework (still boring) or some other homework (enough already, I don't want to!) or cook dinner (there's no food to cook) or go grocery shopping (hate grocery shopping) or...

I wish I knew what the problem was. I just can't put my finger on it. I'm madly, deeply, head-over-heels in love with Jeffrey. Some of the classes are interesting. I have interesting ideas for some programs, and for the website. I just can't seem to get going on anything.

Maybe I need my teddybear.

After seeing David the Counselor yesterday, I've been left wondering something, but I wasn't really sure what it was. Here goes, diary:

When did I loose interest in classes?
I think it was around my birthday. Ok, time to be honest. It was the thurday before my birthday. I got very drunk and I made a complete ass of myself in a nice restaurant. I am still embarrassed by my behaviour. I don't know what I was thinking.

It was Jim's "I Quit!" party in the SUB. Jim was a great guy, and fun to work with. We had drinks for his going away party. It was a lovely catered affair in a defunct nightclub. There were a lot of disgruntled people there, and we drank up a storm ("Mai Tai" anyone?). We all drank. At some point around 8pm, I decided that I had to leave. Too much booze, to many bad memories, to much bitterness about to spew forth.

Beligerence, it's your friend.

Then, as I was on the bus on the way home, I got the brilliant idea to call some friends and go for more drinks. I don't remember much more of the night, other than what people have told me.

I made a complete ass of myself. That's bad. I was apparently very loud and rude, and scared some people out of the lovely restaurant. The waiter nearly kicked us out.

Every time I hear about it, I feel a little more embarrassed. Maybe by admitting to it here, I can start to get over it. After all, that happened nearly two months ago.

I think that may have triggered some depression. That sucks. I also think have a problem with alcohol. That really sucks. I wish I had caught the depression a little earlier. It wouldn't have hurt so much.

http://www.cbc.ca/stories/2003/03/18/chretieniraq030318

That's it. I want to vote for him again.

David the counselor has suggested that I spend a little time trying to analize what I enjoyed in my last job and why, and compare that to the classes I'm taking. No problem, except I don't want to. I'm still bitter about a lot of what happened. I wish a few more people had listened to me a little earlier.

The good: It was very interesting. I learned a lot of new things, mostly in accounting and management: budgeting (the store was less than a dollar away from my revenue projections for three consecutive months, labour was exactly correct for four months), accounting (the auditors said it was one of the easiest audits that they had ever done for the students' society), personel management (mostly scheduling and the like - I think the staff respected me. I respected them), writing business proposals (all of them were accepted in some form or another), and just general leadership.

The bad: I didn't like not being listened to on a lot of things. I told you so: reducing the manager hours to 25/week, the evil boss that stole lots of money (twice, I told two different people), other department managers ineptitude, and more. Mostly, I felt that some of my ideas were being dismissed on first sight, without any attention. I don't think I can really blame anyone for that, sometimes I presented my ideas in a very aggressive manner. That doesn't excuse dismissing others.

Now, back in classes in university, I'm mostly working on small projects and assignments. Most of them will never be looked at by anybody except me and the marker (most times, the prof doesn't bother to look at the homework). There isn't much motivation to do well, other than the letter grade. I sometimes feel like I could earn better grades by simply repeating what I'm told.

I don't think I am getting any serious analytical skills at the moment. I should be, and I find that disturbing.