It has been a very odd few days, to say the least.
I did go to the hospital to say good bye. He wasn't dead, but the beep-beep-beep machine kept beep-beep-beeping away. I didn't go into the room to speak to him. He was unconscious, frail and withered. Couldn't do it.
That didn't bother me, although it probablyl should have. Maybe it's just a sign that I really don't care.
Ever since, when I look at my phone all I think is, "Nope. No phone call yet, guess he isn't dead." My mind starts to wander for a moment, and then I continue with my life.
It seems strange to me. Is it? I can't tell.
Comments (1)
Is it actually quite normal. And actually that is the issue. Normal is rarely good.
& if I read again that "it's a sign that [you] really don't care", I'm going to have to find a way to come over there and (was about to say, hit you but instead) be nice to you.
You care. And it bothers you. And you care. And you get frustrated. And you care. And you get angry. And you care. And you go numb. And you still care.
& You still have to say goodbye. Whether it is now or at the funeral or 20+ years from now. It is goodbye because it removes all chances of him one day coming to his senses and wanting back in your life.
I think you do want him to want you back in his life. Even if it is just so that you can say, no.
You are still fighting to win something. You've lost. Through no mistake of your own. You have lost.
Say goodbye. Take something that you value (aiming for a trinket type thing that you emotionally value) and give it to him or just leave it on the table beside him.
-g
Posted by Greg | November 16, 2003 12:20 AM
Posted on November 16, 2003 00:20